Reclaiming My Sexual Identity: Why Being Submissive Isn't Always Sexy

(Trigger warning for grooming and emotional abuse)

I was at my sexiest at 17. I would wear lacy g-strings seven days a week, I was fully shaven constantly, and I would rarely be seen without my cleavage on display. At this age, I was groomed by a manipulator. Someone I thought was my first love was actually just a man desperate for control, for power.

Age-gap relationships are often romanticised in the media. It can feel exciting and scandalous. Lana Del Rey's aesthetic somewhat pushes this agenda onto younger girls: the idea of being doe-eyed and innocent, the fantasy of being 'Young and Beautiful' for an older man who gives you special treatment. And it can be exciting, it can be thrilling, but this type of romance tends to turn dark quite quickly. The rosiness fades away, and all that is left is a shadow of a girl who was once full of life - now a puppet for a sick, insecure man.

These relationships tend to be private, intimate, "our little secret." This isn't because they want you all to themselves, or because secrecy makes it more fun. It's because deep down these men know what they're doing is disgusting, and if the people around them knew what was happening, they would instantly be treated differently. Weaved within the love-bombing and the kisses, I was told daily to delete all of our messages, to not cry over him, to leave no trace that "we" ever existed.

I was convinced at the age of 17 that if I wasn't sexy, or submissive, or outrageously kinky, I wasn't interesting. I wasn't worth the scandal. And so for years, I played the character of a sex doll. I encouraged the idea of choking, slapping, and having little to no control, because I would only be paid attention to if that was the role I played.

I’m 21 now and finally understand that none of these things are sexy: that your partner refusing to kiss you and only touch you is not normal; that a relationship being completely on one person's terms is actually abuse. What is sexy is patience. What is sexy is love and kindness, kisses and intimacy. Working out each other's wants and needs. I’m sure that when I’m 30 or 40, I’ll have even more empathy for the girl I once was; I’ll feel maternal for my teenage self and

wish to hold her in my arms.

It has taken me years to reclaim my sexual autonomy. In fact, it was only in a recent conversation with a friend that, as I vocalised what I actually find sexy, not one aspect from my previous relationship was mentioned. The idea of being overly submissive now makes me feel sick. I never want a man's hands around my throat again, to be a pawn in someone's game of control.

My experience isn't an isolated incident. A 2009 report from the University of Bristol and the NSPCC examined partner violence in teenage relationships across England, Scotland, and Wales, surveying 1,353 students aged 13-17 from eight different schools. Of the 91 girls who participated in in-depth interviews, every single girl with a ‘much older’ partner had experienced some form of violence. The statistics are harrowing: having a much older partner was identified as a significant risk factor, with 80% of these girls experiencing emotional violence and 75% experiencing sexual violence. All acts of severe physical and sexual violence were instigated by their partners. Nearly three-quarters of the girls reported emotional partner violence. Three-quarters. It is a truly heartbreaking reality. The girls experienced all three forms (physical, emotional, and sexual) more frequently and severely than boys. What struck researchers most profoundly was the girls' response to their own abuse: many expressed overwhelming self-blame, unable to recognise that none of it was their fault. They reported that this has affected them long-term, carrying the weight of someone else's cruelty as if it were their own burden. In stark contrast, boys who experienced violence nearly always dismissed it as having little to no negative consequence, saying it merely annoyed them. Many girls, however, stated that the violence had a highly detrimental impact on their welfare, a devastation that doesn't simply disappear when the relationship ends.

Having these conversations is not just necessary: it's a real form of political power. There are young girls right now still navigating how to escape these relationships. There are women in their twenties rewiring their brains after years of damage. There are middle-aged women finally able to experience healthy relationships, free from the grip of those predatory older men, no longer asking themselves: who am I if I'm not ‘sexy’ or submissive or a vessel for someone

else's control?

The deconstruction of self-blame is an ongoing journey. It takes time and self-discipline to be kind to yourself, to separate your authentic desires from the ones that were planted there by manipulation. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The truth that took me years to learn is this: being sexy and beautiful will always be the least interesting thing about you.

I still struggle some days. I fear my height makes me too masculine, that I don't radiate enough feminine energy, that I'll never be as sexy as I was at seventeen. But I remind myself: whoever I was pretending to be back then was fictional, a facade, a puppet of insecurity, performing submission because I thought that's what made me worth the scandal.

This article isn't a trauma dump or a sob story; it's a warning, but also a promise. It is integral that young girls remain wary of men who have the traits of a manipulator, an abuser. Everyone's sexual identity is their own, and no one else should be allowed to dictate it. To anyone reading this and feeling that this all sounds too familiar: you are not alone, and no relationship like this is ever worth it, no matter how much you think you love the person. But here's what I know now: there is life after this. There are relationships built on genuine intimacy, not control. I see it in how my friends operate with their boyfriends, how my dad talks to my mum, and how my brother treats his wife. I notice how all of these women around me don’t need to play pretend in order to be loved and feel loved. You don’t need to be as kinky as a pornstar or as hairless as a child. And ask yourself, why can’t this older man date someone his own age?

Because that is the very first sign.

If you or someone you know is struggling with domestic or emotional abuse, please use the link below for support.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Words by Ottilie T-H, she/her