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smile, love

Give us a


half a Stella,

gin and tonic and

A smile.

Give us a smile,


To smile or not to smile? That is the question

If I do I lose I don’t I’m rude

Either way, they’ll be on the booze

Oh don't be bitter, darlin’!

with a face of doom behind that bar

I only asked for

No logo on the frown

A Strongbow, not a strong brow.

Even my dog don't look that broody!

Right, are you done with the banter?


Sorry love.

Actually, could you get us a Fanta.

I'm only having a laugh,

I promise.

But, seriously, are you feeling a bit stale?

No, I think you’ll find it's your drink that’s pale.

I’m not yet at boiling point

But you’ve ordered Hells.

Kitchens called out

Looks like I was saved by the bell

No, love

don’t go

You’re being over-


Well let’s play a game...

Say those words to the next man you see

And we’ll see who's more tame.

Come on love,

Don’t be Sourz

I’ll buy you a pint of apology

Or would you lass prefer flowers?

You want to buy me a pint of apology?


I don't think we have that on tap.


Unfortunately, your apple pay doesn't make us contact less

So, I’ll swallow my London Pride

And avoid speaking with my chest.


I’ll watch you men raise your glass above the ceiling

And hope to be judged on my pints, not my pearls

Later on this


Words + Image: Olivia Warner, she/her


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