Dear Diary, I Don’t Want to Say Goodbye…

Once, I drove through the Alps. Feeling free. 

Before then, I slept on a terrace in Tunisia every day. Feeling happy. 

And before that, I dreamt of living in Italy. Now that I’m here I’m not so sure if I

made the right decision…

I am beginning to realise that longing for the next change is not always the best

way to live. Perhaps life really lies in those short (some may say meaningless)

moments in which you don’t do much. The ones you want to hold onto for

yourself – moments where time can seem still. Sometimes I never want that

stillness to end. But, everything must end at some point. Change keeps coming,

whether it’s your graduation or moving abroad or the clock striking midnight on

New Year’s Eve. It feels almost surreal to keep living in a reality that looks the

same but is yet different. Before you even realize, the new big change happens

all over again. I used to love the prospect of this - and in many ways I still do -

but I am beginning to wonder, how much can changing numbers on a calendar

really change us? How much can moving your stuff into a different apartment or

entering a new school really make a difference? 

Originally, this piece was about the urge for a change but now all I can think of is

driving through the alps, staring out the window and never wanting that to end.

I was chasing the “perfect” life for so long. Giving up on it was simply not an

option. But, I don’t know if I want to dance again. Date. Study. Work. Create.

Read. Watch. Maybe I just want to go back to those moments of stillness. To fall

asleep on a terrace in the sun, to drive through the Alps for eternity. 

We live in strange times - times when we always need to be overstimulated only

to complain about it later. Times when we can follow so many people’s lives

online, and in the end, always get jealous of what they do and how they look. 

With all of this background noise, can we clearly see who we are?

Do we just run after something because someone else did, because everyone

else now seems to know best? Do we really want it? Or do we do it to impress

others? To be able to say we’ve kept up, that we have our own perfect, cool,

experience-filled lives when actually, that’s just not real. Perhaps it’s cliché, but

you know what? I once drove through the Alps, and I never wanted it to end. I

used to fall asleep every day on a terrace in Tunisia and never have to get up

again. And in those moments, I felt alive. They should not be overlooked,

because it is sometimes these short pauses of time which are the clearest. Those

little perfections in the dreamy moments.

Ending things can be exciting. Ending things can be hard. I used to not be able to

let things go. I found it difficult to admit to the world that I am not yet fully who

I want to be. That I don’t think I’m pretty, smart, or any of those great things. I

was scared to show this because if I’m not going to believe in myself, who will?

Sometimes the world is too loud, too fast, too harsh. Sometimes it’s acceptable

to stop for a second, to be alone and think. To take a long drive and realise you

have time.

Words by Michalina Kozanecka, she/her